Dear Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences:
I respectfully submit my name for your consideration as the host of the 91st Academy Awards broadcast. I know you’ve had some difficulty filling this role. In fact, your track record in this area is pretty shaky. It’s another nice mess you’ve gotten yourself into!
Its hard to understand why finding a host for the movie industry’s biggest night, and one of the highest rated television broadcasts of any year, should be so difficult. But the rumor mill says many very big names in the entertainment industry turned you down this year. Oscar, you have a problem.
This year’s announced choice, comedian Kevin Hart, withdrew. Those darn social media posts from the past just keep coming back to haunt you. What you got here is a failure to communicate. I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Here’s the beauty of my candidacy. Unless you watched the PBS broadcast Nightly Business Report over the last three decades, you haven’t a clue as to who I am. I’m ready for my close-up. No expectations. No pre-existing prejudice.
During those decades I made thousands of appearances on network television, so I know what end of a camera to look at. In addition to all those CEOs, economists and politicians, I’ve interviewed hundreds of stars in the entertainment industry. I liked most of them and they seemed to like me. Best of all, I’ve managed to keep a low social media profile. I doubt I’ve ever offended anyone with my Facebook or Twitter accounts.
At least until recently, when PBS decided to get out of the news business and sold our program to CNBC, leaving those of us of AARP membership age to freelance as independent commentators. Even then, the only person I’ve criticized is a certain Oval Office occupant who, sources tell me, is often the focus of barbs from the Oscar telecast stage.
Actually, sources don’t have to tell me this because I am a great fan of film. And that’s what you should have in a host, a great fan. I’d consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. I simply love the movies. I quote from them far too often in social situations. And I have to contend with finding room for my collection whenever hunting for a new home or apartment. You build it. I will come.
I’ve even been to the Oscars once. My wife Amy, a producer, inventor and entertainment lawyer took me before we were married. Tom Hanks won for Forest Gump. David Letterman was the host, so I know how not to do it. “Oprah. Uma. Oprah. Uma.” And that was one of his best lines. But tomorrow is another day!
No I don’t sing and I don’t dance. But I won’t embarrass you either. I have done a fair amount of public speaking. And while I haven’t really written a joke since my Triangle Club days, I know how to work with writers and take direction.
The time has come. Let a member of the audience host the Oscars. I’d love the job. This is the stuff that dreams are made of. I’d be king of the world. And this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Me. Pick me.
Thank you for your consideration,